


Broken Inside

by monkeywand



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Hurt, POV First Person, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 02:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16546754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkeywand/pseuds/monkeywand
Summary: As she waits for JJ to wake from her coma, Emily realizes how much she really loves JJ.





	Broken Inside

**Author's Note:**

> Song: _Broken Inside_ by Broken Iris   
> Inspire by a YouTube video of the same name
> 
> " _When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you._ " - Unknown

I lace my fingers with yours, taking in the steady beep of the vitals machine. As I stare down at you, I realize that of all the times you have been hurt, nothing makes you look more vulnerable than laying motionless in this hospital bed.

"I'm sorry, JJ," I whisper, really taking in the extent of your injuries. That first day, when the doctor finally came out from assessing you, my head took in exactly how much you were hurt but my heart refused to believe it. Now, a day later, seeing you in this moment, I feel like crying.

Cuts and grazes litter your face and the arm closest to me. Your other arm sports a bright white cast, matching that on your left foot. I can see the deep blue and purple bruising ringing your ankle, only further accenting the brightness of the bandage. Your ribs are mottled the same color, and two of them are cracked.

"I hope you caught that rat-bastard," I hear you telling me.

I shudder to think how much more pain you'd be in if we hadn't found you when we did. The three days you were missing were three days too long with that tormenting bastard. Three days too long you were gone from our lives.

"We caught him," I say aloud, squeezing your hand tight. I smile grimly. Fake talking to you is not as much fun as having a real conversation. "Oh, JJ, please wake up."

The doctors warned me that it may take you a while to wake up, that you may never fully recover, but I know you – you're more stubborn than that. You'll come back to us. If not for me, then for the little boy who has cried every night for the past week for his mommy to come home.

"He wouldn't sleep unless I held him," I confess aloud, thinking of how perfectly he fit into my arms. "The only way he slept tonight, was after I promised not to leave your side." I breathe in deep, inhaling the scent that is uniquely you. "So, here I am. Fulfilling the promise I made to your son. Come back to us, JJ. To Henry, to the team, to  _me_."

I swallow a sob, and settle into the hard plastic chair beside the bed. As I let my mind wander, I am assaulted by memories...

**Until the end of me**   
**I swear**   
**You'll be the death of me**   
**I dare**   
**You to cross the line again**   
**Because deep down inside there's something that waits to be**

_"Emily," JJ calls to me._

_"Yeah?"_

_"How come none of this gets to you?" she asks._

_"What do you mean?" I frown, not liking the way this line of conversation is going._

_"You came off a desk job. Now, suddenly you're... in the field surrounded by mutilated bodies and... you don't even flinch." Her voice is not accusing, yet there is a hint of something in it._

_"She's right. You've never blinked," Hotch points out from behind us. If he weren't there, maybe I'd tell her the truth. I know it's what she deserves._

_"I guess maybe I compartmentalize better than most people," I say, thinking quickly. Which is true, but not for this moment._

"You once asked 'How come none of this gets to you?', and I said 'I compartmentalize better than most people.' Well, guess what? I lied. It does get to me, Jayje. It does. All the time." I take a breath and stare down at you, laying pale in front of me. "But I know that if I let it get to me, it'll never stop. I can't let that happen, Jayje."

Tears make tracks down my face and I brush them away. I need to stay strong for you.

**Broken inside**   
**Feeling alive**   
**Forced to defy**   
**Who casts me aside**   
**I'm waiting to be**   
**Broken inside**   
**Losing my mind**   
**Gasping for life**   
**Crashing through times**   
**That drive me to find**   
**The darkness behind**   
**Will never run dry**   
**But all still stand**

There have been so many times when I wished to tell you how I feel. So many times I have caught myself staring at you, wishing it were me you were touching. Instead, I watch you kiss him and this little monster of rage grows inside me. He and I have become great friends, this monster and I. He is the only thing stopping me from doing something completely and utterly stupid. Though I would give it all up just to be with you.

_"You should go for it." I curse my own stupidity, wondering what possessed me to say such a thing._

_"What?" She looks at me in shock._

_"You'd make a cute couple."_

_"You know what…?" She runs off, and I watch her leave, my heart completely breaking. I stare after the two, not having the strength or will to move away._

_"Well, finally," Morgan says, coming up behind me._

_"Mmm... I thought she was never going to admit it," I say, knowing that I had lost my last chance. I walk away, hiding my pain, not wanting to watch the new happy couple._

_"Yeah, what's it been like, a year?" I hear Reid pipe up._

_"Yeah, something like that," Morgan says, as the first tear falls._

That day, I vowed, would be the last I time I cried for you. Of course, that plan went out the window. The day I found out you were pregnant. If it were possible, I'd say my heart broke just a little bit more that day.

_"I'm pregnant." At those two simple, little words my stomach drops. Not wanting to reveal my true feelings, I plaster on a big smile, knowing it is all too fake._

_"Oh, my God. JJ, congratulations," I say hurriedly. I hug her tight, trying desperately to convey my thoughts into that one movement._

_"I've asked JJ to marry me," Will pipes up. And in that moment, I could have killed him, damn the consequences._

_"Will!" JJ exclaims._

_"Well, we're working on that one." My hearts lifts, thanking the Heavens that she'd hadn't said yes._

Those five little words gave me the strength to carry on, to keep on hoping for a future with you. You don't know how much it hurt me to be around you and not be with you. I could see he made you happy, but I knew on the inside there was some small part of you that was miserable.

"How do you know this?" I pretend you ask.

"Because I know you, Jayje. I  _know_  you."

**Until the end of me**   
**I swear**   
**You'll be the death of me**   
**I dare**   
**I dare you to cross the line again**   
**Because deep down inside**   
**There's something that waits to be**   
**Cross the line again**   
**Because deep down inside**   
**There's something that waits to be**   
**Broken**

_The floor. The mirror. The wall. The floor again. This is all I see and feel as I am beaten around._

_"I can take it," I say as I am knocked down yet again. "I can take it." My noise is bloody, my ribs screaming in agony, but I stand tall. I must stay strong, must prove to you I am not weak._

The boys think I am talking to them. But it's really you, I am talking to. You, who can't help but feel for those who are hurting. I like to believe you were listening, waiting anxiously until we returned safely.

I pretended it were you who was tending my wounds, your fingers butterfly soft on my skin. I knew it would kill you if either of us was hurt, so I put on a brave face. I tried to stay strong, but I confess: more than a few tears fell whilst I was left in that room. And you know what? It wasn't because I was hurt. I had been hurt before. No, it was because I was afraid that I was to never going to see you again.

**The thinning line between**   
**You and my sanity**   
**Is quickly fading**   
**Takes just a breeze to cause a storm**   
**Takes just a breath to cause a scream**   
**It takes me to cause a tragedy**

_"That's not the point." I am defensive._

_"Well, are you going to call him?" JJ is persistent despite my efforts to change the subject._

_"Maybe," I finally say, hoping that will be enough to please my best friend._

_"Emily," she huffs, exasperated. Obviously not._

_I decide to tell her the truth. "Mick Rawson is an arrogant, uh, over-sexed, egotistical..."_

_"Hot, British dude with a sexy accent, badge and gun," she interrupts me. "Just your type." And that is where she is wrong. Once I would have gone for him. Now, I have my eye on a certain blue-eyed blond. I groan as she continues rambling on._

_"All right, you know what? I don't even get you sometimes."_

_I try to give her a plausible explanation. "It wouldn't go anywhere."_

_"You don't know that." Oh, I know that, I think, sneaking a glance at JJ._

_"I know our work schedule."_

_"Okay, you know what? Will and I make it work." And there is it. The one thing that is stopping me. Will. Her fiancé. The man I told her to go for. No matter how I put it, that was my single biggest regret._

"And you know what?" I whisper, my voice too loud in the silence of the hospital room. "Although I still regret that day, I know in the end, it has made me stronger." I squeeze your hand tight, just as I did the day Penelope was shot. Just as I'll continue to do as long as you let me.

I once said, "You don't choose who you fall in love with." But it wasn't Jane and Frank I was referring to. From the first day we met, there was something about you that captivated me. From the moment I saw you, I fell hard and fast.

**Until the end of me**   
**I swear**   
**You'll be the death of me**   
**I dare**   
**I dare you to cross the line again**   
**Because deep down inside**   
**There's something that waits to be**   
**Cross the line again**   
**Because deep down inside**   
**There's something that begs to be**

There have been times where all I have wanted to do is wrap you in my arms and protect you from the horrors of the world. But now I know it doesn't work like that.

Throwing caution to the wind, I lean down and place a tender kiss on your forehead, cherishing the feel of your skin beneath my lips.

"I love you," I confess.

Leaning back, I have just closed my eyes when I hear a sigh – so soft, I fear I may have imagined it. I open my eyes to see your blue ones staring back at me.

"Oh, Jayje," I whisper, relieved that you have woken.

"Emily," you croak back. "I love you, too."


End file.
